While other websites seek to amuse their readers during the festive season with fripperies like Golden DonQui awards, Old Grumpy would rather accentuate the positive by offering advice on creative activities such as planting a herb garden to provide delicious flavourings for soups, stews, casseroles and cold buffets throughout the year.
Old Grumpy would recommend the following varieties – common names in brackets…
N.B. For clarity, SRA is a reference to Sulphonated Rubidium Acetate, the wonder fertilizer/pesticide/fungicide/growth-promoter available at the Institute of Plant Protection Group’s garden centres throughout Pembrokeshire.
Adamsii Disemblens (False trefoil)
A powerfully-scented, fast-growing variety that will thrive on almost any soil type. Does best when grown alongside sycophants, yes-men and toadies. Susceptible to wilt disease when in competition with other strong-growing species. Not suitable for cultivation as an upright standard. Its large, flat, circular seed pods can also be used in dried flower arrangements (not to be confused with Honesty).
When caramelised, the deep blue fruits, which ripen in early May, and are particularly abundant in election years, make a wonderful companion for porky pies, though earlier attempts to use them as a flavouring for yogurt was not a success.
Huwsless Totalissimo. (Newton’s pancake, Mickeymouse Daisy, Pulpit Spurge, Angel’s trumpet)
A native Pembrokeshire species that is often found growing wild in the verges alongside newly tarmacked roads.
This cultivar – the result of years of selective breeding – is a bit more fussy in its choice of habitat preferring soil that has been liberally manured.
Remember to spray with SRA several times a year to keep down unwanted insect pests.
Will produce an abundance of luxurious verbiage all year round, but when dried, shrivels away to nothing.
Occasional outbursts of flowery rhetoric signifying nothing.
Worth growing, if only for the endless amusement it will provide.
Pietronamus Platitudinorium (Portfield Stock, Pembrokeshire Flag)
This species is Pembrokeshire through and through, upside down, side to side and back to front.
At this moment in time; this day and age; and taking one thing with another, this variety is the one to grow if you want to enliven your cooking with a dash of cliches.
Alternatives are any members of the genus Alliancum Pembrotorum, though, despite high hopes when this type first emerged, breeders have been unable to expand the choice beyond the three original genotypes.
The other two are Bobinatum Kilmisterensis (Dinas Lily) and Nuttatelli Jontis (Pembroke Oak), but most experts are agreed that neither comes close to matching Pietronamus for a year-round supply of meaningless platitudes.
Warning: When planted close to any of the Dyfedillium family, this subject can suffer serious die-back and in extreme cases it has been known to spontaneously combust at the end of the day.
Perkinsonium Primadonna Idignens (Blue-eyed Suzie (formerly Red-eyed Suzie), Llanion Snapdragon, Deadly Lampshade)
A remarkably versatile subject which, when grown in poor soil, produces a spectacular show of bright red flowers. However, when planted in a sunny, elevated spot and fed with concentrated SRA solution its blooms turn a wonderful deep blue. Once thought not to be compatible with Vox Jonstonii (see below) but when planted together in SRA-enriched soil the two show remarkable synergy. Flavour is a bit strong for some tastes and is best used fresh because of its short shelf-life. Widely grown in France.
Leevites Allysum (House Sage, Trailing Aconite)
Another subject which shows a tendency for red-blue switching (See Perkinsonium above) – a characteristic thought to be connected with the acidity of the water supply found in the Pembroke Dock area. Has replaced Simpsonaria Daviflora (see below) on our list as the best house plant, though only time will tell if this hybrid lives up to its early lack of promise.
The red-tinged, blue seeds, which are harvested in late autumn, will add spice to curries and other hot dishes.
Summinatum Robinaria (Burton Burnet, Cleddau Toadflax)
Vigorous climber usually grown in association with Adamsii (see above) for which it provides valuable support during squally periods. Has made remarkable progress since being introduced in 2013 and is now one of our top sellers. Guaranteed to add zest to any old rubbish. Particularly useful for improving the palatability of stale porkie pies.
Please do not save seed from this variety as it is subject to copyright.
Lewisonium Keithikins (St Valentine’s Stooge , Hokey Cokey plant, Baker’s Balsam)
A low-growing hybrid which has shown itself to be very useful in providing ground cover thereby preventing opposition from weeds that might otherwise deprive desirable subjects of light and nutrients. No known culinary use, but a sprig or two can be used to decorate Christmas puddings, etc. Also said to have insect repellent properties, but there is no empirical evidence to support this claim.
The seeds make an acceptable substitute for poppy seeds when sprinkled on the top of baps.
Millaratum Paulinus (Agrimony, Crabb Rattle,)
A recent introduction which is thought to have played a significant role in the slump in popularity of Salarium Giganticus (see below).
Very noticeable tall-growing plant producing an abundance of red berries which when dried give a fiery kick to curries and other hot dishes. Some chefs say that when incorporated into a chutney it makes a better accompaniment for cold pork than crabb apple jelly.
Labour supporters north of the Cleddau are hopeful this variety will thrive in late spring. Its foliage will be a regular sight along the paths and driveways of north Pembrokeshire dwellings in late April/early May, but it’s too early to predict if growing conditions will produce a bumper crop when the chips are down.
Williamstonia Orientalis (Jacob’s Blather, Pentlepoir Blogrose)
A relative newcomer to our catalogue, this hybrid has proved remarkably popular – much to the astonishment of more serious cooks who consider its flavour lacks the subtlety of some of the more traditional varieties such as Grumpidorum Anciens (Old Man’s Wierd, Grouch Grass, Grumbleweed (Am.) ).
Said to go well with corned beef, Spam, hard-boiled eggs, chip butties, pot noodles and other dishes at the lower end of the culinary range.
We would advise our more discerning customers to steer clear of this unruly, thorny bush which benefits from vigorous pruning.
Cut it down to soil level in late winter and, with luck, it won’t reappear in the spring.
Strictly one for the plebs – with apologies to any police officers who happen to have logged on.
Discontinued lines.
Half price – buy now while stocks last.
Salarium giganticus (Greater Brynfoil).
Atticus fibberatum (Creeping Pughscrop)
Vox Jonstonii (Bitter Kenweed)
Angletorum superiorissimus (St Johnny’s Wort, Johnny Jump-up)
Hallaratum Brianensis (Lesser Brynfoil)
Torianum Clandestina (Cwmbetws Cowbane, Copper-leafed Wannabe)
Simpsonaria Daviflora (Cut-and-come-again)